What makes a good midlife?

I created Forties Stories, in part, to figure out for myself what makes a good midlife. It’s a period of time that comes with a lot of responsibility, but what makes it rich and satisfying? What are those small things that add up to a life well-lived? We should all ask ourselves that question. It is deeply personal to each of us. There’s no prescription. Midlife is not a time to chase other people’s dreams. 

Notice I didn’t say what makes a happy life? Brooke Castillo often reminds her listeners life is 50/50. Half great, half not so great. To strive for anything more will make us miserable because you might as well be chasing a unicorn. Circumstances arise that are out of our control…hello pandemic! If our lives were devoid of anything negative, it means we also would be devoid of joy - it’s impossible to have one without the other. Understanding this truth set me free. This is life - messy and imperfect and challenging. There are no guarantees, and nothing has gone wrong. 

Does it matter if you are on course?

Some of us mapped out our lives in our youth and now things are either going according to plan or are wildly off. One reality is not better than the other. Some women who have stuck to the course want to desperately get off because we inevitably change and grow. While others who have veered wildly off course are satisfied, thankful that either they took a chance or that circumstances pushed them in a new direction. The most important thing is to ignore some intended course and look at your present life with fresh eyes. The first step to creating change is being aware of where we are at and what we have today.

What makes a good midlife for you?

Grab a journal or piece of paper. Here are some writing exercises to get you started with the question:

1. List the things you are tolerating.

A friend suggested this exercise to me years ago. Write out the things that you are tolerating in your life, such as: a room that’s half painted, a friend who only wants to meet spontaneously, constantly coloring your hair, a boss who makes demands on Sunday, a disorganized basement, a broken chair, a life with no travel, etc. 

Your list should run from the mundane to the major. When you have it written down, look at each one and close your eyes. How does it make you feel? Maybe the broken chair makes you feel really sad because it was your mom’s favorite and it reminds you of her. Maybe your spontaneous friend actually makes you feel unencumbered.

The exercise will help you make those things that generate the strongest feelings a priority. The things we tolerate that are a minor nuisance can be released. Years ago our builder put the wrong siding on our house. We were away, so did not catch it until after the entire thing was done. I had been tolerating it for years, but when I did this exercise I found I didn’t have much energy for it. The solution was to pay to have it redone or just accept it, and I was ready to accept it. Finally, I was able to cross it off my invisible tolerating list and move on. Doing so released a tremendous amount of wayward negative energy.

2. List the things you do NOT want

Years ago I asked a friend what she wanted. “I have absolutely no idea!” she replied. I understood. So often we have gotten into a pattern of caring for everyone but ourselves. We put spouses, kids, parents, friends, family first. We haven’t regularly thought about our needs. It can be easier to tap into what you do not want first. Write out the things you do not want now, or in the future, such as: to stay in this job, a job that requires a lot of travel, to cook on Fridays, a house without art, to watch future grandkids, to buy an RV, a life without adventure, to live in a small town, a complicated wardrobe, etc. 

Your list will be a great starting point for backing into what you DO want. Some of the things on the list may not offer a ton of clarity yet: what does a life without adventure mean to you? If you ask yourself that question over time the answer will materialize.

3. List the things that give you joy.

We all want to have more joy-filled lives. But, joy doesn’t just happen. You have to make a practice of creating joy. It is important to understand how it differs from happiness. Joy is cultivated from within, while happiness is found externally. List the things things that give you joy, such as: tending the garden, meeting a friend for coffee, curling up with a good book, sex, meditating, knitting, volunteering, traveling in Asia, family breakfast on Sunday, hiking, etc. 

This may or may not be easy for you, and that’s okay. If you need to, close your eyes and think about a time that gave you the most joy. What was it about that time that created that feeling?

Once you have your list, decide how you could add more joy to your life. Schedule it on your calendar first. Do you need to let go of anything? You may not have long stretches of time, but you can cultivate joy if you make it a priority. Even if a shift in circumstances is not possible, it does not mean joy is not attainable. Spiritual leaders Desmond Tutu and the Dalai Lama have said that joy can be achieved in a life of struggle. They write in “The Book of Joy:”

“We are meant to live in joy,” the Archbishop explained. “This does not mean that life will be easy or painless. It means that we can turn our faces to the wind and accept that this is the storm we must pass through. We cannot succeed by denying what exists. The acceptance of reality is the only place from which change can begin.”

4. List the things you appreciate in your life.

It is common for us to have things in our lives that we think we are tolerating, that we actually appreciate. This mindset exercise will help close some loops that we listed in the tolerating section and help you discover more joy. 

Our thoughts are optional. They don’t just happen to us. If we are constantly thinking that something is a burden, it creates a loop in our mind. However, the opposite is true. If we constantly appreciate something it also creates a loop. 

If you suffer from negative thinking like I do, we have to work to take our minds off autopilot. Our thoughts create our feelings. If we feel like we’re merely tolerating our family, we have to find the thought behind it. If the thought, “I am so tired of all the demands my family makes on me” is unproductive and draining you, you might try the thought “I appreciate my family.” Appreciation will feel better. This is not to say that you never make boundaries. It is being aware of your thoughts and intentionally choosing them. In fact, these exercises should help you set priorities and boundaries. 

Write things big and small on your appreciation list, such as: family and friends, your job, your health, that your husband makes coffee every morning, your spring garden, having grocery delivery, your son’s math tutor, your friendly mail carrier, that you’ve been diligent about prioritizing retirement savings, that the sun rises every morning, etc. 

* * *

You may be tempted to simply think about these questions, but I encourage you to take 10-20 minutes to quickly jot down your answers. You can always tear up the paper afterward.  It will release a lot of mental chatter and seeing the answers in front of you should give you some clarity. This is a process, and awareness is the first step. 

I’d love to hear if you’ve done this or something similar. Which exercise resonates with you? What makes a good midlife for you?

Photo by Natalie Grainger on Unsplash